I used to think I was a thorn in society’s side, pricking it for it’s own good, to keep it awake, to keep it from swerving off the road because it’s driving drunk, and with no license. or registration. and definitely without insurance. for anything. I used to think this.
but now, I realize, I have just been a prick.
not even that sharp. a dull prick.
It’s not that society has been rejecting me this whole time– it just didn’t know I was here.
[this is an excerpt from a recent conversation between Jenn and Ryan where Ryan finally uncovers the truth of why he’s never been considered a writer: because he never writes.]
milawaukee, before coffee
milwaukee, harmonie and chad’s apartment
ryan’s eye, jenn, harmonie and chad (jenn’s peace corps friends).
left cleveland yesterday. it was emotional. got attached so fast. finally got to see what Cleveland was like from inside a motel all day. It was beautiful. there was a Mcdonalds nearby. lots o’ gas stations. other stuff. ahh, cleveland. we toured the whole inside of that Cleveland motel room like we were at the rock and roll hall of fame, which was actually right down the street. but who wants to travel hundreds of miles to a destination only to feel like what you really want is right down the street? rock and roll hall of fame, fsst. motel bed became graceland, and I was fat elvis on pills. right down the street became HBO, became reading more Chuck Palahniuck in my underwear, became spooning my dog just a hair shy of beastiality, became peanut butter sandwich dinner with chips from the vending machine.
who’d of thunk it? Cleveland? wow. It’s like. you get your own plastic key. there’s a tv. you get complimentary breakfast compliments of you paying for a room which is slightly more expensive in order to include complimentary breakfast. the shower head is powerful like anti-racism. You pelt your dirty head with a million man march and merge your body into everything that is quintessential Cleveland.
then we slept. Cleveland style. I don’t know what that means.
then we drove.
through Indiana, through Chicago.
20 minutes til Milwaukee. it’s been 7 hours of driving. I start to make that noise that your laptop does when you’ve been on it too long. I am ice cream running down your fingers faster than you can lick, I am neon sign flickering.
I am Scott Baio’s career, post Charles in Charge.
my heart is pumping sigur ros beats dipped in fudge, I am slowly becoming slowly.
and then it happened.
the mistake i swore i would never make.
I still replay this next scene in my head over and over again against my own will.
to be continued…