This moment is the last.
August 2017 M T W T F S S « Feb 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
- adventure amsterdam Anorexia asian body waxing bulgaria cambridge cats chinese dragon cleopatra cleveland conversation craigslist digital cameras dogs dogs matilda ryan matsumoto jennifer hee road trip adve dogs ryan matsumoto jennifer hee road trip adventure ab domestic abuse dull prick grave mistakes harvard Hawaii hawaiian ryan homeless humor hypnotic teabaggery iolani jennifer hee jenn meleana hee jesus kealoha la quinta lau lau leaving life and death love lovers Macbook Master Cleanse McRib mcsweeney's melissa matsubara milwaukee mothering mount rushmore nikon Peace Corps philadelphia photography poetry ramen relationships reproduction road trip roman empire ryan matsumoto ryan matsumoto hair road trip ryan motts search engine humor seattle sleep apnea Starvation sunsets surfing thanksgiving toast travel traveling universe USA uterus video whole foods writing
Tag Archives: dogs
Setting: In car outside public library, stealing free wireless
When someone says: you’re slacking on the blog, I like to take it as a compliment, as in, wow Hee, you are so gifted and dynamic, I wish you would blog every day!
Yes! Then I shall try to blog every day!
Then another someone might say: shiiit girl, I’m totally behind, your shit is just so fucking heavy, you and Ryan, it’s not like I can skim your words.
Yes! Then I shall not blog every day!
Occasionally a “friend” calls to catch up, and hypothetically asks about my Christmas. After I answer, said person says in shocked manner: you went to Amsterdam?!! Dumbass, I respond, don’t you read my motherfucking blog? I may feel very insulted because I think all my friends ought to be as interested in me as I am. If you had a blog, I could say, I would read it religiously. In other words, if you had a blog, it’d be really boring, and that’s why you don’t have one. Your comeback might be: at least I can afford a sailboat with my oodles of moola, and I might say, who the fuck says oodles of moola? You, friend, might say I would never say that–you, Hee, make other people sound like douchebags in your blog to make yourself look smarter, and I might ask, did it work?, and you’d concede: yes, good game.
I haven’t not been blogging because I resolved to never use the a-word again in my last entry, but because I’ve been trying to write pieces that will hopefully one day end up in MONEY, since all of you freeloaders read me for free. I didn’t get the ‘zines with homeless teens job at the YWCA–THANKS FOR NOTHING HARVARD–and every time I open the Sunday classifieds or browse Craigslist for hours, nothing sends my heart even slightly a’twitter. This world of employment is just not for me! I need to freelance. It’s the only job that has the word free in it, which subliminally is very satisfying. Right now, our life is perfect. Ryan and I wake up, write pieces that have cute orange end buoys bobbing on the horizon, scribble down parts of Big Pieces, compose absurd and brilliant songs, eat in, use Mati as an excuse to go to Marymoor dog park and laugh at dogs and their people, walk down to Chinatown, drive to the Seattle café of the day, park outside the library and use the free wireless, read our brains out, make fucking awesome videos using the simplest Mac software imaginable, and try to see how little money we can spend going out while having the best time ever.
Sample weekend, last:
Thursday Night—Chinatown karaoke with Big Will—definitely best time ever, but money was spent.
Friday Night—Ryan falls asleep at 7, mid-Breach, both of us sideways on our free loveseat made for one normal sized person. I spend the rest of the night making love to my computer screen, and by making love, I mean writing. A cheap date if I ever saw one!
Saturday Night—Dancing to 80s classics such as “Beat It,” with Ellen and Jordan at Buddha Bar. Ryan does a brilliant impromptu duet dance with an equally insane white woman of advanced age who was either a mom with a mission, the wife of a biker-man, or my fourth grade teacher. It was hard to pinpoint her personality based on her grand jetés. She grabs Ryan’s balls and gives him the come hither finger all night. Ryan tries to pretend he’s with me so she’ll stop groping him. Nice try, stranger.
Best time ever!!!
Sunday Night—Comedy Underground to watch Paul Ogata. We pretend we’re his crew and since we’re Asian the scenario is plausible and this gets us in for free. I laugh so hard I snort brain matter out of my nose. Best time ever!!!
In conclusion, we had three best nights ever for the price of one.
Reduce, Reuse, Reblog
I wrote the following piece in my old website/blog, but since way more new people read this blog, especially now that Ryan’s ass is heavily featured, I am re-posting it, mainly in the hopes that someone will send it to someone who will send it to someone, and it will become chain blog-mail. In a week it will come back to me, telling me I have to send it to 7 people in order to have my wish come true, which was to have this letter turn into chain mail, therefore it will have already become true, thus breaking the wish-cycle of chain letters. And somewhere out there will be that special person who opens me, a one-of-a-kind unbirthday present for all occasions, only to say: oh, she’s perfect! Here’s $100,000 a year to do just that!
P.S. I can be reached at: email@example.com
Cover Letter, My Ideal Job
Dear Future Employer:
(Which ideally would be me.)
If I were to take all my experiences and mesh them into one occupational position–it would be to create an alternative treatment center for emotionally-disturbed private school-educated orphans of gypsy descent. There, I would teach them avant-garde writing in the form of stick figure portraiture, Surrealist photography in the form of aggressive napping, cardio kickboxing, imperfect veganism, and proper contraception implementation. I would treat them from their addictions to god, to family obligation, to morality as a washboard for our animal instincts, to guilt/blame, to ego, to refined sugars, to Myspace. This center would be in a former Communist nation where there would still only be two types of cheese–yellow and white. I’d recycle my diploma into toilet paper. Ivy League 2-ply.
The lesson of the day: degrees are for assholes.
Each morning, we would climb the metaphorical walls of our flimsy defenses before settling into our line-less Moleskins. Blank pages–we could go any way. After loosening the figure 8 knots of our old convictions, we’d rappel into philosophical caves, rooms of our own, walls padded with the insulation of our old bullshit, writing character sketches for our self of the day. At recess, we’d have a pep rally, cheering on our own genius ideas.
“G-E-N-I-U-S! Gooooo Genius!!!”
At lunch, we’d photograph trees, bury first drafts in self-destructing time capsules, invent ten new ways to eat pumpkin, stuff kaleidoscopes with fortune cookie fortunes, laugh at the distortions, the possibilities, laugh at our pasts which we’ve pulled from our mind like a loose shirt thread and re-woven into a quilt large enough to cover our cold feet. At night, we’d reclaim constellations, snip every imaginary line connecting memories to fear, expectation to fear, preservation to fear. Cassiopeia into The Persistence of Memory. The Big Dipper into Guernica. We’d praise the sky as a figment of our gorgeous imaginations. We’d be as endless as we wanted to be. We’d take our fears, write them on gold origami paper, folding each into 1,000 cranes, into one crane in the shape of a kite, and fly our fears past the point of control, and let them go, let them all go.
And then we’d be free for the first time in our lives.
I mean, c’mon already. I am awesome. Hire me.
My most productive hours are between the hours of 12 and 4 am, I need really good health insurance, a company car or bike would be SO COOL, can my dog come?, I cook a mean pumpkin bread, do I really have to be present physically every day?, I think having the option to work from a park or cafe or hey, my living room– would be fantastic, and gym membership as a corporate benefit, hey, I’ll take it!
In the meantime, enjoy our latest photos from the lovely Pacific Northwest!
We posted this ad on Craigslist… feel free to forward it on to anyone you know who might know someone who knows someone who likes Bulgarian street dogs and 1.5 Asian couples.
Hi future people who want to live with us/rent us their space/be our friends:
We’re a 1.5 Asian couple looking for a home. The female .5 Asian (Jenn) is 28, the full Asian (Ryan) is 35. We have a dog named Mati that Jenn rescued off the streets of Bulgaria. She’s insane and awesome. She is 38 lbs, but we’d like her to gain a few more pounds–she’s looking a bit gaunt of late. (Craigslist-types seem to care how much your dog weighs.) Jenn and Ryan are collectively less than 300 lbs.
We’d love to share a house with the right people, and by right people, we mean any orientation/race/gender/age/height/hair style etc. as long as they are open minded. We would love roommates who occasionally keep erratic hours, love to stay up all night neck-deep in existential conversation, are low drama but high energy, find society in general absurd, and like to debate about why. We love to be in a creative environment 24/7 with artists/writers/performers/obsessivists. We like people who agree that slash marks are ignored/underappreciated by current punctuation paradigms.
We do not recycle, but will not judge you if you do.
We’re not hippies, we aspire to be filthy rich eventually.
Jenn’s vegetarianish, Ryan is eat everythingish.
Jenn runs, rock climbs, teaches cardio kickboxing.
Jenn is a recovering Peace Corps Volunteer.
Ryan is a recovering radio Morning Show personality from Philly.
We are both from Hawaii.
We are currently traveling across the country with all our belongings in a Murano.
The home we just left was badass and had orange walls. We appreciate an inspirational home with attitude.
Wherever we settle, Jenn will look for a job in education or the non-profit sphere working with at-risk youth. Ryan will write, collect unemployment, seek radio opportunities and think of ways to get paid while constantly remaining in his underwear, though not the same ones.
We are only medium-neat, but can contain our chaos to our space.
Jenn cleans a mean bathroom, has janitorial experience.
Jenn cooks a mean eggplant curry.
Ryan plays guitar and freestyles, loves partners to play with.
We have a movie projector.
Mati (the dog) likes a big, fenced yard and/or easy access to walks in parks/nature.
Ryan is a smoker (cigarettes, etc.).
We love movies, music, going-out, staying-in, reading, thinking, making moments count.
We couldn’t pay more than $700/month, including utilities, but only if it’s worth more than $700. You know what we mean.
If you want to house us for free in exchange for our companionship and entertainment value, that’s cool too. Jenn went to Harvard, she can probably be of use to you somehow.
We’ll live happily anywhere on the West Coast—Washington, Oregon, California.
We’d love either a cabin in the woods or a loft in the city—physical environment matters less to us than being surrounded by super-rad people who have no problem saying Hi, I’m super-rad.
House us, hire us, or just write to debate with us about non-existence.
This is our blog, if you want to see photos/videos/current whereabouts:
Much love from our Murano,
Ryan, Jenn, and Mati