help us help ourselves


ryan: these people keep trying to send us money.

jenn: that’s weird.

dear these people:

if you want to make a totally not-at-all tax deductible contribution to our cause, which is wandering america, writing, and inspiring you to not not-get fired, click the link below:


and enter the amount you so desire to give to us. for example:




you get the idea.

still stuck? simply copy & paste either of the above examples into the “unit price” box.

or, if you hate paypal, e-mail us at and we’ll try to accommodate your desire to give us money another way, such as sending a check to someone we know who has an address. such as jenn’s mother.

ryan: these other people have narrowed it down to donating to our cause, or adopting an african kid from sally struthers.

jenn: that’s weird.

dear these other people,

african kids write once a year, if that, and their photos are depressing. we, on the other hand, will write to you every day, and our photos are uplifting, allowing you to live vicariously through us, as we do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. tell us where to go, what to do– we are your traveling blogging photographing slaves. african kids don’t allow you to choose their own adventure, fsst, they just want medicine and bread: BORING. for the price of one cup of coffee you can feed a whole village, please. as if. all that says is that coffee is fucking expensive nowadays. you’ll never know if you’re actually feeding anyone, how do you know you’re not just getting random brown kids pictures with white imperialistic colonizing proselytizing letters attached to it? they’re taking your hard earned money, and making little malnourished african republicans out of those orphans, i just know it. choose us. move us. pay us. love us. and we promise to never become republican or write you boring letters about how your money helped us get the sanitary napkins we’ve been so desperately needing. ooh, jenn says don’t be close minded. fine. we’ll take sanitary napkins too. but mostly we want your cash. and your choice. be our boss. our sugar mama. our pimp. help us, help ourselves. help us to:



ryan and jenn

p.s. sorry kunta mufasa. it’s been real while it lasted. hope that last check will last you til your next sucker. please don’t send us anymore of your barely literate letters that we know you never wrote in the first place. and for the future, smile god dammit. geez. it’s called consumer confidence, ever heard of it? nevermind. hakuna matatta dude.

love your former pseudo-parents,

ryan and jenn


“help us help ourselves” -jerry maguire

“ask and you shall receive.  lots of cash.  especially if you have paypal.”  -the bible


2 responses to “help us help ourselves

  1. I am ever the one to try and add my 2 cents, so here it is.

    Actually, I tried to cut and paste the 2,000,000 in, but apparently even though we have free speech in this country, commas cost a lot of money.

    Vanna, I’d like to buy a comma. How much? 1000? How much for two? Um, never mind.

    But seriously, heres a little gas money for you. And by todays standards, any amount is a little gas money.

  2. Matt!
    wow. you are in an elite class of philanthropy my friend! it’s so trite to give to people who are starving in real life, we are starving mentally! and need your donation more than actual hungry people. thanks Matt, for serious, I guess it takes another DJ to empathize with how sad it is to be another DJ.

    see you at the next DJ thing.
    ryan matsumoto

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