reading Jenn’s myspace for the gabillionth time.
I read her to celebrate my life.
[i love about her]
this is jenn’s about me [pre-road trip]:
i’m a recovering peace corps volunteer, living in america with my Myspace.com BF and immigrant bulgarian bitch mutt. i appreciate the movie-film borat at a profoundly profound level, in the same way an alien might appreciate watching alien vs. predator.
for the past two and a half years i lived alone in southwestern bulgaria, certain i was happy, because i had no one to make me feel lonely. there was so much peace in that emptiness. now i live in an apartment of an old mansion in philly. i love our orange-walled living space, how it offers faith that stone, dark wood, and cast-iron gothic lighting can live harmoniously with loud, vibrant, manic orange.
i wonder when i will start looking as old as i feel. ryan asks me why i always look so uncomfortable when we get ready to go out, and i am made-up, eyebrows plucked, hair blown-dry. he tells me i am beautiful. still. at that moment i am as far away from beautiful as i have ever been. beautiful was how i felt after a day of climbing in hawaii—legs bruised and bleeding, nails destroyed, a day’s worth of sun, sweat, chalk and dirt settled into my skin. collapsing into my ’88 camry, hands too weak to grip the steering wheel, drained and invigorated all at once, laughing at someone teasing someone else, or maybe me, and glancing quickly up into my rearview mirror–there and then was the only beauty i have ever seen in myself.
i am simple. i need music. reading. writing. running. (ryan needs me to need conversation, movies, partying.) i love my crazy mati, my family, my BF. instead of a bedroom, we are creating a genius room/hamper. a room for art, brainstorms, music, words, and dirty clothes. in the living room corner, we switch sides of the floor mattress; it reminds me to not get too comfortable—to wake up every day with a new view of branches and sky, and be happy for that. be happy for love. be happy for orange walls. for genius rooms. for piles of books, read and unread. for inspirations. i love my life so much it scares me. and that’s how it ought to be.
so. i am adapting to quite possibly the best life ever. i remind myself every day to be thankful–any moment i could go, any moment you can lose the life and people you love. i want all my friends to find their greatest happinesses. i want to be able to say this without sarcasm. i have a hard time conveying sincerity. i have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to bring a child into this world. i have a hard time understanding people who only worry about securing their financial, societal, educational, environmental future. i have a hard time with a lot of people. i have a hard time breaking down what i am most afraid of. it is so easy to forget to live today as everything, but luckily i have someone who loves me enough to remind me to live and live and live.
–Jenn Meleana, Myspace profile
I love about her.
she is beautiful, no matter what she says.
She is my favorite writer.
I get to live with my favorite writer.
I wish I could love her like her words love me.
A year later, and I am still stalking her myspace.
I love about her.
I am sorry when I don’t read her.
when i forget.
She is my about me.
She is my about face.
I want to use her words as mine to give to her.
She deserves that.
I let strangers choose our adventure because it doesn’t matter where.
She is my where.
I feel clumsy trying to say this.
i think my clumsiness makes her love me though.
so i will fall down stairs forever for her.
From: Ryan Matsumoto”
Sent: Sun, 22 Oct 2006
To: “Jennifer Hee”
Subject: plus one…
“p.s. if you were really to fall down the stairs i would fall down too, just so you wouldn’t feel alone.” –Jenn
“p.s. if you were really to fall down the stairs, if I fell down the stairs, just so I wouldn’t feel alone– I would marry you for profit at the bottom of the stairs, and never stop falling with you, ever…” –ryan